I SAT there, thinking, of how it had come to that, in a matter of seconds. She wasn’t listening anymore. Everything I said or did didn’t seem to touch her like it used to. She had somehow lost interest. The intimacy was gone. And just when I thought I was a victim of losing honor and respect in my wife’s sight, a heavier, more sullen realization hit me to the core of my being. It was not her fault but mine.
I HAD lost intimacy with the Father. There wasn’t devotion anymore, just a little peak into the Bible here and there, scattered dry prayer. Something big was missing, so huge that I could now feel the emptiness and a desire to be filled and fulfilled. How could I love her like Christ loves the church when I wasn’t following in His steps at all? I wasn’t as righteous, as holy, as forgiving, as prayerful and committed to knowing and doing the will of the Father as He did. I had stepped into a miry bog and was sinking deeper at every attempt to pull myself out. Ever been in quick sand? That makes two, me neither. I can tell you how it feels though, it is frustrating, nerve wrecking! I had forgotten that only the Lord of hosts uplifts the fallen. My transgressions were multiplied before me, my sins testifying against me.
SHE KNEW me as the solid unshakable pastor; not so much now. She had witnessed me commit many of the sins I vehemently spoke against. Those I once considered detestable, even abominable had become common. The tide had changed. I had lost testimony in her sight. Could I then rebuke her of lying when I had confessed severally of conceiving and uttering falsehoods, from the heart? The case of the priest leading his household to sin huh! I was not perfect when we met, but I did fear God and hate evil. My conscience was razor-sharp’ now it was almost to the point of being seared. It was like creeping into a cave and lamenting of the engulfing darkness outside.
I KNELT by the kitchen counter as conviction and contrition got the better of me. I was quick to anger. Timothy would be ashamed. Pride had taken a hold of me; too proud to think I was always right, to imagine she wasn’t submissive yet there was no loving husband to submit to. Where was the powerful love of Christ in me? I had developed pettiness. Everything had become a conspiracy of sorts. In an interlude amidst the silent treatment, she said she was disappointed that after all the years, I didn’t know her. How could I, when I was so much immersed in myself and my wants rather than her needs? Did I even know myself? Did I know the Lord anymore? My mind was flooded. I wanted to cry, but I was too tired. I was crying within, to the Lord that He would stretch out his loving-kindness and tender mercies toward me, to save me, from myself.
SOMEWHERE in the depths of my soul I heard Rebecca Malope’s song, ‘Look at me Oh Lord, and answer my prayer…Restore my strength, don’t let me die..’ David’s cry in Psalm 86-‘Give ear, O Lord, unto my prayer, and attend to the voice of my supplication.’ That was all I had, all I could muster.
FROM the cornucopia of my spirit I hear the soft, loud whisper, ‘It is well my son. I will heal you for I know your ways.’
I KNOW everything’s gonna be well. I purpose to sin no more, to frustrate the grace of God no more.
I VOW to set my sights upon the Father and my focus on Him, always.
I DECIDE to admit my wrongs to her and ask for forgiveness.
I PLEDGE to be the husband that God has desired me to be.
I PLAN to restore the devotion, prayer and fellowship with the Lord first, and her next.
It is well. We shall overcome. The Lord’s got this marriage now.
I HAD lost intimacy with the Father. There wasn’t devotion anymore, just a little peak into the Bible here and there, scattered dry prayer. Something big was missing, so huge that I could now feel the emptiness and a desire to be filled and fulfilled. How could I love her like Christ loves the church when I wasn’t following in His steps at all? I wasn’t as righteous, as holy, as forgiving, as prayerful and committed to knowing and doing the will of the Father as He did. I had stepped into a miry bog and was sinking deeper at every attempt to pull myself out. Ever been in quick sand? That makes two, me neither. I can tell you how it feels though, it is frustrating, nerve wrecking! I had forgotten that only the Lord of hosts uplifts the fallen. My transgressions were multiplied before me, my sins testifying against me.
SHE KNEW me as the solid unshakable pastor; not so much now. She had witnessed me commit many of the sins I vehemently spoke against. Those I once considered detestable, even abominable had become common. The tide had changed. I had lost testimony in her sight. Could I then rebuke her of lying when I had confessed severally of conceiving and uttering falsehoods, from the heart? The case of the priest leading his household to sin huh! I was not perfect when we met, but I did fear God and hate evil. My conscience was razor-sharp’ now it was almost to the point of being seared. It was like creeping into a cave and lamenting of the engulfing darkness outside.
I KNELT by the kitchen counter as conviction and contrition got the better of me. I was quick to anger. Timothy would be ashamed. Pride had taken a hold of me; too proud to think I was always right, to imagine she wasn’t submissive yet there was no loving husband to submit to. Where was the powerful love of Christ in me? I had developed pettiness. Everything had become a conspiracy of sorts. In an interlude amidst the silent treatment, she said she was disappointed that after all the years, I didn’t know her. How could I, when I was so much immersed in myself and my wants rather than her needs? Did I even know myself? Did I know the Lord anymore? My mind was flooded. I wanted to cry, but I was too tired. I was crying within, to the Lord that He would stretch out his loving-kindness and tender mercies toward me, to save me, from myself.
SOMEWHERE in the depths of my soul I heard Rebecca Malope’s song, ‘Look at me Oh Lord, and answer my prayer…Restore my strength, don’t let me die..’ David’s cry in Psalm 86-‘Give ear, O Lord, unto my prayer, and attend to the voice of my supplication.’ That was all I had, all I could muster.
FROM the cornucopia of my spirit I hear the soft, loud whisper, ‘It is well my son. I will heal you for I know your ways.’
I KNOW everything’s gonna be well. I purpose to sin no more, to frustrate the grace of God no more.
I VOW to set my sights upon the Father and my focus on Him, always.
I DECIDE to admit my wrongs to her and ask for forgiveness.
I PLEDGE to be the husband that God has desired me to be.
I PLAN to restore the devotion, prayer and fellowship with the Lord first, and her next.
It is well. We shall overcome. The Lord’s got this marriage now.